Clothes, accessories, shoes, knick knacks, homewares, books, dvds, cds, groceries.. you name it.. I want it, I NEED it.. desperately.. now, and not a moment later.
The truth is I am a spendaholic. It’s not something I’m particularly proud of, in fact it’s definitely more of a burden.. especially when I’m constantly receiving letters from Telstra, Westpac and GE demanding money off me that I can’t give them because I just bought a new pair of heels that I will never wear because they are a size too small for me, something I do way too often, refusing to admit that I am in fact a size 10!
I live for sales; seeing an item with red ticket is my signal to pull out my bank card, debit card, credit card.. which ever will work. In my head, a sale is guilt free spending, call me gullible, call me an idiot, call me whatever you want but I seriously believe I’m saving money by buying from a sale. Sale items don’t even count as purchases. Those pants were 50% off which is basically free, leaving me open to buy more.
Of course it doesn’t help that my career is fashion, or that I live dangerously close (5 minute walk) from one of Sydney’s hottest shopping spots; Bondi Junction. Sunday is my only day of rest; rest meaning SHOP!!!! I wake up.. get a coffee, mosey on over to the junction and just get lost for hours (literally.. it’s absolutely massive and hard to navigate around!!) I walk home under the cloak of darkness, which is always a little worrying as I got there at 11am, with more shopping bags than I ever dare to count. I lie out all my new purchases and stare at them adoringly, taking in that new smell, revelling in the fact that they are mine! All mine! And then... guilt. Utter utter guilt. What have I done? I can’t afford any of this.. I didn’t even get my groceries, nor did I put any money away for rent this week and it’s due tomorrow. Panic rushes through me and I feel sick.. I don’t even have anything to wear with my new skirt. Though that jumper that I saw today would look great with it.. I should go back tomorrow and get it? It came in black too.. I’ll get them both, the black would look great with that brooch I saw.. I should get that too. Then all at once my guilt has vanished and all I can think of is spending again.
The thing is; I’m making it sound like I love spending money on clothes and clothes alone and that’s just not the case.. I love things, just things, stuff. Stuff, stuff and more stuff. I’ve stopped carrying cash because it was way too risky.. you see cash the thing with cash is, it talks to me. No seriously it does!! I can hear it calling out to me “get me out of this cramped purse, I can barely breath. I want to be with the rest of my friends in the till.., are you listening to me?? I said SPEND ME YOU IDIOT!!” so I do.. I’d buy cauliflower (and I hate cauliflower) if I had to, just to get rid of my cash.
I don’t exactly know what adrenaline means but I do know how to use it in context and what I feel when I spend is exactly that.. an adrenaline rush, a feeling of elation, excitement, genuine happiness but just like a junkie looking for their next hit it’s never over., the feeling great, amazing but fleeting.
I suppose I could say I’m working on my addiction and I’d be telling the truth.. if telling the truth means lying through my teeth!! I’m not working on it.. I love it. I know it’s wrong and I recognise it as a problem, which I believe is step one on the path to recovery for an addict isn’t it? Admission? Well I admit it.. I’m very, very sick.. I got the bug for buying but I will stop.. one day.. maybe, no definitely, I will DEFINATELY stop spending excessively one day soon. OK my fingers were crossed then but they are uncrossed now and I swear I will seek help and start saving my money, OK my toes were crossed, I can’t do it, I mean really.. who am I to stop myself from doing things that make me truly happy? It would be wrong, only I can help me.. wait, that was a conflicting statement wasn’t it? I’m sorry I’m just feeling really confused at the moment, I can’t concentrate.
Let’s just say, for now.. My name is Stevie and I am a spendaholic.
Anyway, must dash.. There’s a sale on at David Jones!
